By Chris Marler
We are back with my favorite piece of content every week. The only college football preview that gives you analysis, predictions and the perfect booze choice for you and yours for Saturday’s tailgate. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Winning & Boozing: Week 13.
It’s “cupcake” week in the SEC according to some, but all I see is another great slate of games with some potentially massive storylines and upsets that could unfold. So, pour a glass and let’s cheers to Saturday. After all, we only have two more left this season, so we better enjoy it.
Vanderbilt at LSU
Vanderbilt has been an underdog by a touchdown or more seven times this season including this weekend’s game to LSU. They are 6-0 against the spread in the previous six games. They are also coming off a bye week and are catching LSU at a time when the vibes feel like they’re the lowest in years.
Brian Kelly has taken an L in the Swamp and the recruiting trail this week. He simply cannot afford to take another loss, especially in Death Valley at night. He won’t.
The Winning: LSU 34, Vanderbilt 26
The Boozing: Becks Non-Alcoholic. Listen, you’re not going to like this choice LSU fans, and I get it. I thought about choosing Red Bull Vodkas to try and rally, but it’s time to sober up and regroup. This three week bender/losing streak has been miserable. It cannot get to four. It especially cannot get to four against Vanderbilt. LSU hasn’t lost four straight outright and against the spread since 1990. So, let’s grab a couple bottles of this 0.0 percent “beer” so it at least looks like we are enjoying ourselves at the tailgate even though it feels like the party is definitely over, for this season at least.
Texas A&M at Auburn
A stoppable force meets a very movable object this Saturday in Jordan-Hare. Which team wants it less? That’s how this game will most likely play out.
Texas A&M is 2-10 in their last 12 true road games, and Auburn is currently a 2.5-point underdog at home. The Tigers are 1-10 in their last 11 games in that spot.
I like the idea of Auburn being good, and clearly Vegas does too. But they just haven’t played well enough for 60 minutes in most of their games and are the most consistently inconsistent team in the country. I was set to pick Texas A&M when I first saw the line for this game come out on Sunday. However, I’ve chosen to irrationally read way too much into Mike Elko’s slip up at his press conference when he said his team was “focused on Texas…I mean Auburn.”
I don’t think that was a slip up. I think he accidentally told the truth. Texas A&M thinks about Texas all the time. I think Auburn gets the upset.
The Winning: Auburn 16, Texas A&M 3
The Boozing: Vodka and Kool-aid. Before we get these jokes off, let’s first address something that isn’t talked about nearly enough, and that is that Kool-Aid is delicious. That viral video of Bert Kreischer drinking 128 ounces of Kool-Aid a day in a Stanley cup is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and it improved their sales by seven percent the following quarter.
Ok, I made that last part up which is a perfect segue into talking about A&M and Auburn. Kool-aid is the mixer for this game because that’s what cults drink after they take off their shoes and shave their heads. At least that’s what I’ve heard. Auburn and Texas A&M are the biggest cults in college football. Two fanbases who love their school to the cringiest of levels. Two fanbases that will look at you with a straight face and say it’s normal to wear a class ring over the age of 18 and recite a creed pledging your allegiance to a school because “it’s just different down there.”
Honestly, the level of not caring what other fans think of your weird traditions is respectable Aggie and Auburn fans. But, it’s still weird. It’s super weird.
Indiana at Ohio State
Indiana and Ohio State playing in a Top Five matchup in the sport of American football. That is not a sentence I thought I would ever type out.
Indiana has been fantastic this season and are 10-0 behind a really good offense that jumps on people early and never lets up, outscoring their opponents by nearly 30 points per game. I think Indiana will be good early on in this game when they’re on script. I expect a fast start for both teams.
However, that Ohio State team is stacked with absolute dudes and future NFL first round draft picks, especially on defense. They’re still my pick to win the national title, and I don’t see them losing to the Hoosiers. Not in this sport at least.
The Winning: Ohio State 34 Indiana 23
The Boozing: Generic Red Wine. Bonus points if you pour into a diet coke can so nobody can tell you’re actually drinking wine. Why? This feels like Indiana’s moment where they finally get to move from the kid’s table to the adult table at Thanksgiving dinner. And, generic red wine is always a staple at my family’s somewhat high class white trash Thanksgiving.
Is this a Cab? Not a lot of tannins or depth, is it a pinot?
No, it’s a red.
Ok, Cheers. Listen, the Indiana story has been fun to watch this season, and we love underdogs in college football. But how do you get to Week 13 without playing a ranked opponent, only playing one team with a winning record and having the 106th ranked strength of schedule playing in a conference that has three other teams ranked in the Top 6 nationally? It’s almost impossible.
That’s what the diet coke can is for, pretending. And, as much as I hope Indiana, and everyone else, beats Ohio State I just don’t see that happening.
