By Chris Marler
It’s rivalry week and week of Thanksgiving! That means it’s time to be around the people you love most, the people you would do anything for – and call them every four-letter word in the book if their favorite team is different than yours. It’s the one week of the year where the last turkey leg, drinking wine in the morning, and committing chemical warfare on a bunch of oak trees are somehow all condoned in the name of thankfulness and sports.
Before we get into this week’s games, drinks, and debaucherous preview, let me say how thankful I am for you reading this ridiculousness every week. It has warmed my cold black heart more than you could possibly know, and I hope you had a tremendous, fulfilling, and safe week. Cheers!
Auburn at Alabama
Alabama and Auburn meet for bragging rights to the worst state in the country. A once proud state for football is now a basketball state with a football problem. There’s not much on the line in this game this time around. Regardless, the Iron Bowl is still the Iron Bowl.
Alabama has won seven of the last eight in Bryant-Denny Stadium by an average of 28 points. That changes Saturday. Auburn not only wins the game, but seizes control of the state of Alabama for the first time in 20 years.
The Winning: Auburn 24 Alabama 23
The Boozing: Stella Artois. Stella is just wedding Bud Light. Just like Kalen Deboer is just somewhat-less-fat Mike Dubose. Full stop.
Texas at Texas A&M
I am once again here to tell you that Texas is not that good, and they haven’t been tested like they will be tested on Saturday in College Station. Three of Texas’ six wins in the SEC this year have come against backup quarterbacks. I don’t know if Marcel Reed is considered a backup or not, but he is going to hand Texas their second loss of the season on Saturday.
The loss to Auburn sucks, but I once again am here to say that I don’t think that was a slip up from Mike Elko last week. The Aggies have been prepping for Texas for at least two weeks. At least.
The Winning: Texas A&M 23 Texas 21
The Boozing: An Old Fashioned. A bottom shelf Old Fashioned. You know what I’m looking forward to most about this game? It being over. There is no shortage of self-important and self-obsessed people in either of these fan bases. It’s been wild to watch two teams who have combined to win one national title in the last 54 years have this level of indignant over-confidence.
Will I watch Texas-Texas A&M? Yes. Will I drink an old fashioned? Yes. But, let’s call a spade a spade and understand that it’s just a two ounce pour of bourbon with sugar and citrus. I thought people from Texas were supposed to be tough? You need a cube of muddled sugar to drink brown liquor? Grow up.
South Carolina at Clemson
I’m not usually one for pulling for a team strictly for the sake of the conference, but if there was ever a time to do so, it’s Saturday. The ACC is a massive threat to stealing a spot in the 12-team playoff from the SEC. Clemson, Miami, and SMU are dangerously close to getting two seeds in the playoff. That’s what happens when those teams have a strength of schedule of No. 57, 59, and 77 overall and a combined zero wins over current ranked teams.
South Carolina is one of the hottest teams in the country right now, and have the best chances to be a fourth representative from the SEC in this year’s College Football Playoff. I think South Carolina is more battle tested than Clemson, and their front four will hopefully have a field day with a Clemson offensive line that is average at best. However, this game will be one or lost in the matchup between Clemson’s front seven and South Carolina’s offensive line.
The Gamecocks offensive line ranks 15th in the SEC and 124th nationally in sacks allowed. Regardless, I’m too stubborn to let that influence my decision.
The Winning: South Carolina 27 Clemson 24
The Boozing: Firefly Sweet Tea vodka. Few things are more South Carolina than sweet tea. Few things are more delinquent South Carolinian than sneaking liquor into your sweet tea. As a resident of Lexington, South Carolina, with family all over the midlands and lowcountry, trust me.
This game is being played in the upstate, but the booze is being shipped from the lowcountry. Firefly is delicious. Sweet tea vodka, tap water, and a squeeze of lemon. It couldn’t be a simpler recipe. Will it put your type two diabetes on a fast track? Sure, but you didn’t want to feel those feet anyway. Trust me, the loser of this one won’t want to feel anything.
