By Chris Marler and Rivers Hughey
Michigan at Oklahoma
A 30 for 30 on Bryce Underwood’s recruitment and the domino effect it had on LSU football would make for must-see TV. Underwood spurning LSU because a billionaire boyfriend bought him for Michigan may have changed the landscape of college football, given how LSU capitalized in the portal afterward. Regardless, the phenom heads to Norman for the first road game of his career.
This is just the second time since 2019 that the Wolverines have left the state of Michigan during the month of September. It should be a really good defensive battle for most of the game. I expect Mateer to break it open late.
The Winning
Oklahoma 27, Michigan 20
The Boozing
An Old Fashioned.
Why? Because both of these schools are considered blue bloods, but one of them took a long hibernation for almost seven decades before winning anything of relevance again. That’s eerily similar to this drink considering it was invented in the 1800s and then wasn’t popular again until roughly ten years ago. I don’t know what happened in the 2010s.
Maybe it was the spell of the music that had us stomping our feet, since the bands, dressed in what looked like antebellum thrift-store prom chic, couldn’t afford a drum. I’m looking at you Mumford and Sons and The Lumineers.
This is the perfect drink for two blue bloods who love to tell you how great they are, but can now see this same drink mimicked at any other bar around the country.
Louisiana Monroe at Alabama
Surely Alabama wouldn’t lose to Louisiana Monroe. Surely that wouldn’t happen. We’ve never seen that before, right?
The Winning
Alabama 2, Louisiana Monroe 0
The Boozing
Four Loko.
Nothing says 2007 like bad Alabama football and Four Lokos. Make sure you get the original recipe. I believe that one was made with 200 percent alcohol and actual poison, which is exactly what Alabama fans are going to want to drink if they lose to the Warhawks.
South Florida at Florida
Florida looked great in their season opener, destroying Long Island. South Florida continues to be one of the more fun G5 schools in America under Alex Golesh. All offseason, Florida fans insisted this was a CFP-caliber roster in Gainesville. That won’t truly be tested until next week, but first comes an intriguing matchup with a Bulls team that’s pushed Alabama the past two years and just knocked off Boise State.
The Winning
Florida 34, South Florida 20
The Boozing
White Russian.
White Russians are perfect for anything Florida related. It’s just heavy cream, Kahlua and vodka. It’s a lot like a trip to Daytona Beach: fun on the surface, but with just enough grime around the edges to leave you feeling a little worse about yourself.
Maybe it’s the heavy cream, maybe it’s the guy on bath salts outside the WaWa; either way, something feels off, much like the entire state of Florida. It’s like everyone there was born with a denim umbilical cord and white Oakley sunglasses.
Louisiana Tech at LSU
LSU returns home to face Louisiana Tech in a classic trap game setup, coming off a big win with Florida looming next week, making focus the real test.
The Winning
LSU 41, Louisiana Tech 10
The Boozing
A daiquiri.
Not the nice one, though. To be very clear we want the modern, popularized, drive-thru diabetes in a double cup version of the daiquiri.
An old school daiquiri is pretty good. It’s basically a margarita, but with rum instead of tequila. Just mix in rum, lime juice, and a little sweetener and serve it in coup glass. That’s not what we want for this game, because let’s be real, barring a miracle, Louisiana Tech isn’t exactly known for keeping games close.
Get the frozen, deliciously sugar-filled version of this drink and make sure it has enough booze in it so you can’t feel feelings or your ankles by the fourth quarter.
Arizona State at Mississippi State
Arizona State rolls into Starkville for the back half of its home-and-home with Mississippi State, and while the Bulldogs showed some spark at Southern Miss, they still looked shaky.
The Sun Devils tried to prep for the cowbells this week with two staffers ringing four miniature ones, the kind I handed out as wedding favors, which is adorable, but not exactly 60,000 full-sized bells echoing through Davis Wade. Even without Cam Skattebo, who bulldozed MSU’s defense last year with over 250 yards and three scores, ASU’s talent should get them a win, but don’t expect the Dawgs to make it easy.
The Winning
Arizona State 24, Mississippi State 21
The Boozing
A vodka martini.
If you’re stuck making a weekend of it in Starkville, Arizona State head coach Kenny Dillingham has already done the Yelp review for you: apparently, the only places to stay within 90 minutes are casinos. The drink of choice? A cheap, watered down vodka martini, served in a chipped glass and garnished with a sprinkle of cigarette ash. It’s the perfect StarkVegas special, a little smoky, a little sad, and just right for when you’re trapped in a casino wondering how the hell you got here.
Ole Miss at Kentucky
Ole Miss missed the playoff last year because of Kentucky. Well, and Florida. And, LSU, for that matter. But, losing to 4-8 Kentucky at home and then crying about the playoff certainly was a choice by Lane Kiffin.
I fully expect Kiffin to make a point in this game and run it up on the Wildcats in some pseudo revenge move from what happened a year ago.
The Winning
Ole Miss 34, Kentucky 10
The Boozing
Bourbon on the rocks with a splash of water.
Specifically, make the bourbon Pappy Van Winkle. Specifically, serve it up in a red Solo cup. And most specifically, make the ice and splash of water from the tears of Lane Kiffin last Fall.
Pappy may sound way too expensive for a game against Kentucky. However, there’s good reason to break out what may be the most exclusive bourbon in all of Kentucky. One, it’s the first SEC game of the year so there’s reason to celebrate. Two, they can afford it. After all, it’s not like they had to blow through savings going to the playoff.
Congrats on being Mississippi rich. Now try not to blow another playoff spot because you got out-coached by Mark Stoops and outplayed by Zach Calzada.
Kansas at Missouri
Do yourself a favor and tune in to this one on Saturday. It’s one of the best, sneaky great rivalries in all of college sports.
Few things rile up folks in Missouri more than Kansas, aside from pronouncing the “i” in milk or the final syllable of their state’s name correctly. These two absolutely despise each other. Also, while we’re here, please stop saying melk. It’s milk. And seriously, where on earth are we getting Missourah from?
The Border War ranks among the nation’s fiercest rivalries, think the Midwest’s version of the Egg Bowl. After more than a decade dormant, expect fireworks Saturday.
The Winning
Missouri 34, Kansas 28
The Boozing
Caribou Lou.
It’s a deceptively strong cocktail, named after a song by Kansas City, Missouri rapper Tech N9NE who is basically like NSFW Nelly.
The drink is made with 151 proof rum, coconut rum and pineapple juice. Add in a little bitters, some nutmeg and serve it up. It’s potent, and if you’re not careful, you’ll hate your hangover as much as these two fanbases hate each other.
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