By Chris Marler
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I appreciate y’all coming on this journey for 14 weeks this season and reading my favorite assignment each and every week. Every week we give out a preview and predictions for the biggest games in the SEC. Most importantly we talk about exactly what drink you’ll need at every tailgate as well.
Besides winning and boozing, my other favorite assignment is the Friday rantin’ and ravin’ article I get to do every Friday in the offseason. For this week, I combined the two because after an incredible season and chaotic few weeks, buddy, I have some stuff to get off my chest.
Texas A&M at Texas
This should be a fun one. I used to think the Egg Bowl was the most hated rivalry in the SEC, but these two fanbases despise each other. Even describing this as a big brother little brother situation doesn’t do it justice. It’s like Jordan Rodgers and Aaron Rodgers type of brother relationship.
On a weekend full of great games, I may be most excited for this one, to be honest. Playoff implications, great nostalgia, and pure unadulterated disdain for each other. That’s what college football is all about.
The Winning
Texas 34, Texas A&M 28
The Boozing
An $8 IPA. Specifically at a $23 trendy burger place with some stupid name like Funk to Table. Or some trendy single buzzwordish sounding single name that vaguely reminds you of red meat like Stock. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
Everyone there is wearing buffalo plaid flannel shirts and either has a man bun or is bald with a beard. They all have names that sound normal but aren’t. “Hey my name’s Jerryn, I’ll be handling your experience today.”
“Did you say Darren?”
“No, Jerryn. With a Y.”
“With a Y?! Why the ____ would there be a Y?!”
I hate places like that. Stop making me order off a QR code. Also I don’t know what the hell truffle fries even are. Give me tater tots, or normal fries. Or if you really want to wow me, make them crinkly or something. Jesus, Jerryn. I’m on a second date and here for trivia. I’m not trying to take out a payday loan so I can eat a burger and fries served to me by an “artist” in Mumford and Sons cosplay.
Anyways, that whole try hard, take yourself too seriously “spin on Americana” dining experience feels like almost every interaction I’ve ever had with a Texas fan. We get it. You think you’re cooler than you think you are and peaked years ago. Sick, bro.
Alabama at Auburn
This is being talked about like it’s one of the biggest games in Iron Bowl history. One team is fighting for a spot in the playoff. The other is trying to avoid a fifth straight losing season. On the other hand, if Auburn can win they will not only ruin Alabama’s playoff hopes, but they will also become bowl eligible and can ride their bikes to the Birmingham Bowl for the third time in a decade.
I’ve watched this rivalry for 39 years. There are some incredible moments and iconic game winners sprinkled throughout its history. But one thing that’s been a trend since they first met in 1892 is that the best team usually tends to win.
Alabama is a better team than Auburn. Auburn’s best wins this season are all close losses. Their worst loss is to Kentucky at home. I think Alabama is better than Kentucky. I think Alabama probably won’t have three turnovers and a missed field goal like they did when they lost by two to Oklahoma. I think Alabama will win the football game.
The Winning
Alabama 28, Auburn 13
The Boozing
Omission IPA. Sure, it may sound normal, but this beer is gluten free guys. You don’t get it.
If you’ve ever met an Auburn fan and asked them about Auburn, one, I’m sorry, and two, it can quickly become the weirdest experience of hearing someone romanticize the most normal of things. It’s like someone desperately trying to tell you about the energy in New York and how the city is “just different” when they could just save some time on attempting to be whimsical and just say “loud and busy.”
That’s how Auburn fans describe Auburn. “It’s just different down there.” Why, because you guys claim a bunch of fake national titles and all of a sudden love basketball? That sounds like another in-state school I know.
Auburn is like a methodist version of Texas A&M. Or Scientology. Very cultish and there’s even a creed reciting involved. It also reminds me of how people used to be so proud and vocal about being gluten free.
“Can you do the dressing on the side? I’m gluten free,” says a 36 year old stay at home mom pulling her bangs back behind her ear hoping people will notice. The gluten free phenomena gave way to insufferable vegan trends, thank God. Otherwise these would be the least likable people at friendsgiving. Congrats on the cool new diet, Jocelyn! I’m going to go drink 23 of these very normal beers, pretending to be something they aren’t and watch Auburn cap off their fifth straight losing season for the first time in program history.
Vanderbilt at Tennessee
This is the most excited I’ve been about this game ever. Vanderbilt is heading to Knoxville for a chance at winning ten games for the first time in program history. Two baseball schools ranked in the top 20 for football and there are potential playoff hopes on the line.
I’m not sure if a win gets Vanderbilt in the CFP or not, but I do know that it would cement one of their greatest years in program history in the most emphatic way possible.
This should be a barn burner. These teams rank first and fourth in the SEC in passing yards per game and rank 14th and 15th in passing defense. Whoever has the ball last may win this game.
The Winning
Vanderbilt 45, Tennessee 42
The Boozing
A Manhattan. You know exactly why. Because with a win on Saturday, Diego Pavia is going to be in New York for the Heisman. Love him or hate him, it has been an incredible ride with Diego Pavia for his 11 years in college and especially the final two he spent in Nashville.
On the season he has 34 touchdowns and over 3500 yards of offense. He leads the SEC in yards per game with 325.9 and also leads in passer rating (174.17) and completion percentage (71.8). In his last three games alone, he’s put up 1,429 yards of offense and 14 touchdowns. Send him to New York, and do the right thing.
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