Brendan Sorsby and deep pocket NIL brokers disguised as alumni supporters are ruining college football.
It’s not surprising to see a millionaire get away with white collar crimes in America. I’m the least judgmental person when it comes to degenerate activities. It’s your money. If you want to bet $50 on Chinese table tennis at 3 a.m., who am I to judge? But, a $5 million quarterback gambled over $90,000, including bets on his own team and is somehow currently eligible.
We are just making it up as we go at this point, and if we are making up rules and turning over rulings then I have a few more.
1. Devin White’s targeting penalty in 2018 vs Mississippi State is overturned.
Historically speaking, it may be the worst targeting call of all time. The worst part is he had to miss the first half against Alabama. Then again, if he’d played the whole game, they probably only lose 22-0 instead of 29-0.
Regardless, it’s been eight years and it’s still the worst SEC call I’ve ever seen in a football game, and that is really saying something.
2. Texas A&M has to formally admit they lost the 2018 LSU game.
LSU won that game approximately 17 times. A&M can keep the stupid cups they made the following year. They’d go for a ton on Ebay, and they can use the money for NIL or Mike Elko’s diet. I don’t care. But, Kellen Mond was down, and at the very least everyone involved should apologize to Ed Orgeron for making him coach five overtimes after the Gatorade bath. Can you imagine how sticky and gross that was? Come on, now.
3. CBS isn’t allowed to play the SEC theme song anymore.
What’s that old saying that sales people love to quote from Glengarry Glen Ross?
“Coffee is for closers.”
Well the duh-dun-dun-dunnn-dun-dun-dun-dunnnnn music from CBS is for LSU-Alabama or the Iron Bowl, not Oregon-Rutgers. It’s like someone using the same song for their first dance at their second wedding. It takes a special type of obvious self-absorption to do that. Which now that I type it out makes a ton of sense for the Big Ten.
4. Let the band play “Neck.”
Just let the band play “Neck.”
Words can’t do any more irreparable harm to sportsmanship across the landscape of college sports than the NCAA, judges and everyone else already has.
5. Nico Iamaleava has to return to Tennessee to play QB this season.
This would be horrible for both sides, and I would love to watch it. Summerhouse on Bravo is ending, and I can’t get into Love Island. I need a new toxic relationship to watch incessantly from my couch and talk about at the metaphorical water cooler the next day. Force Nico and his daddy back to Knoxville for this season. Both sides deserve each other.
6. Sam Pittman gets to coach Arkansas again.
I just really miss Sam Pittman. He’s the best dude, and was such a likable coach. Also, fun fact, 49 percent of his games at Arkansas were against ranked opponents. That’s stupid. Get the boss hog back in the big office in Fayetteville.
7. Gus Johnson has to take a Benadryl before Big Noon Kickoff.
Buddy, we get it. Calm down.
8. Pat McAfee has to keep his shirt on during broadcasts.
Again, buddy, we get it. Calm down.
9. Refs have to have postgame press conferences.
I’m so tired of watching these idiots ruin games, and potentially seasons, because they insert themselves into games at unwarranted times. It happens every year. Either hold them accountable or compensate them enough that officiating becomes their full-time job, with real standards and consequences for poor performance.
I don’t need some back judge named Geoff ruining my Saturday. He’s already doing that with the way he spells his name. A “G?” Really?
10. Auburn and Florida can only fire two coaches every ten years.
Only the Kardashians and presidential cabinets have seen more relationships sour and more hirings and firings over the last decade. From now on, if you’re dumb enough to hire Hugh Freeze, then you have to stick with him for at least five years. Make him pay for his own golf, though.
11. Brendan Sorsby has to bet on his team and can only play the following week if he goes over his prop bets.
Set the passing yards at 450 every game. He’s clearly not one to shy away from betting on himself. Also, if they don’t cover the spread, Cody Campbell, has to come to the next home game dressed in face paint and a red nose that honks because he has acted like a total clown all offseason.
