By Chris Marler
Few feelings in this world are better, more exciting, and more pure than MLB Opening Day.
Game Seven. College Football Rivalry Games. Sunday at the Masters. Hell, Monday through Saturday in Augusta is probably up there, too.
Those are all incredible moments turned memories that will last a lifetime. As great as all those are, there is nothing like Opening Day. As a kid my grandpa used to always say the exact phrase every March.
Between drags of his Pall Mall and sips from a can of Dr. Pepper—one I was certain had been cracked open on his back porch at least a day or two ago—he exhaled and said:
“Today’s the day the world starts over. Today is Opening Day.”
It’s one of the most special days on the sports calendar. Here are the do’s and don’ts of Opening Day.
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DO show up early for batting practice
Maybe it’s because I’m a baseball nerd and because I played it my whole life, but watching big leaguers do routine things at an unbelievably high level before the game will never not amaze me. Yes, it’s awesome watching 450-foot bombs with 112 mph exit velocity off a 101 mph fastball. But, if you think that’s cool, you should watch a middle infielder from the Dominican who’s been taking grounders since before he could walk, take fungos for 20 minutes.
Or, better yet, watch the 3-4-and-5 hitters take batting practice and try to figure out how the “crack of the bat” sounds more like “thunder from the Gods” despite it coming from the most effortless swing imaginable in the cage.
Hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports, and those guys could not make it look easier.
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DO eat a hot dog (or three)
Calories don’t count at the ballpark. And, before some Instagram fitness coach or holistic nutritionist tries to reveal the ingredients—or lack thereof—in a hot dog, just know, I don’t care. You could tell me there was tofu, pig parts, or even cyanide in there, and I’d still ask where the ketchup and mustard are, especially on Opening Day.
Few things are more American than a 6-inch hot dog loaded with toppings that are destined to end up on your best shirt.
While we’re on the subject, though, we need to set some ground rules and guardrails. No footlongs. And, don’t have more than two. Otherwise, you’ll become a meme in addition to having a rough night on the digestion front.
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DO NOT bring a glove
It’s honestly shocking that this even needs to be said. However, year after year, more and more accountants decked out in Life is Good ball caps (not hats, caps) show up in a public setting with a glove on. I have so many questions. Mainly, why?
Dudes that bring gloves to the game that aren’t under the age of 14 are the biggest weirdos in the ballpark every time they’re at one. That’s saying something, too, considering that the absolutely unhinged Braves mascot Blooper is also there. Also, I can’t scientifically prove this, but those same dudes are almost always wearing a tucked-in t-shirt without a belt and/or holding a “mitt” that is at least 13 inches.
By no means am I the poster child for manliness or adulthood, but have some shame, guys. Leave the Wilson A2000 in the Subaru and grab a beer instead.
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DO NOT wear a jersey of a team that’s not playing
There are some exceptions, but for the most part, looking at you, Yankee and Dodger fans.
Listen, Shohei and Aaron Judge are awesome. But, you’re at a Reds-Padres game. Just buy a $45 shirt at the team store that you’ll only wear once and keep it moving.
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And most importantly—DO NOT talk during the national anthem
It’s not a political statement. It’s not something you have to care about or even sing along to. I genuinely don’t care if you don’t take your hat off or are even on your phone.
Just be quiet.
There is nothing worse than the person who decides to talk during the national anthem. Not to sound dramatic, but unless Fergie is singing it, the song is only one minute and 19 seconds long. Is it really that hard to be quiet for 80 seconds?
Nope. So, zip it before I tell that weirdo with the oversized Mizuno first baseman’s mitt to slap you with it.
