The definitive list of 100 people to fight a gorilla

By Chris Marler and Alondra Villarreal

The Definitive list of 100 people to fight a Gorilla 

By now you’ve probably seen the most absurd trend in social media this year. No, not Britney Spears dance-crying for help. The trend asking social media whether or not 100 men could defeat one gorilla. 

The answer itself is pretty simple – no. There’s no way 100 normal men could defeat a gorilla. I mean, at least not 100 Chris Marlers. I bruise like a peach and am scared of garden snakes. I can’t imagine how scared I’d be of a gorilla. But, 100 non-normal men? Yeah, that’s up for debate. 

So me and 104.5 ESPN’s Alondra Villarreal came up with the definitive list of 98 very specific men (and two women) that absolutely could beat up a gorilla. Here’s our list. 

1. Takeo Spikes 
2. Glenn Dorsey 
3. Ed Orgeron
4. Derrick Henry
5. Laron Landry
6. Bill Belichick’s girlfriend but we tell her the Gorilla asked how they met
7. James Harrison
8. That white guy from The Program 
9. That black guy from The Program
10. Marler when a targeting call goes against his team in a crucial spot (editor’s note: absolutely not)
11. Dan Campbell 
12. Paul Skenes with a handful of rocks 
13. Smoke Monday 
14. Derrick Brown 
15. The 2015 Alabama D-Line
16. The 2015 Alabama D-Line
17. The 2015 Alabama D-Line
18. The 2015 Alabama D-Line
19. The 2015 Alabama D-Line
20. The 2021 UGA D-Line 
21. The 2021 UGA D-Line
22. The 2021 UGA D-Line
23. The 2021 UGA D-Line
24. The 2021 UGA D-Line
25. The 2021 UGA D-Line
26. The 2012 Alabama O-Line
27. The 2012 Alabama O-Line
28. The 2012 Alabama O-Line
29. The 2012 Alabama O-Line
30. The 2012 Alabama O-Line 
31. Aaron Hernandez 
32. Tyrann Mathieu 
33. Brian Dawkins 
34. 2008 Tim Tebow 
35. A couple of Samoans
36. A couple of Samoans
37. The Rock 
38. Mickey Loomis (overconfidence and can afford to lose him) 
39. 1980 Herschel Walker
40. Anytime Bo Jackson 
41. Rolando McClain 
42. DJ Swearinger 
43. Greg Blue 
44. Odell Thurman 
45. Patrick Willis 
46. 2018 Devin White 
47. Diego Pavia (born winner)
48. Whiskey & Wine T-Bob after a loss 
49. 2014 Shawn Oakman 
50. Dan Wolken (front line) 
51. Citrus Bowl Jadeveon Clowney after a bad call 
52. Shawn Jordan 
53. Myles Garrett 
54. 2007 LSU vs Florida Jacob Hester 
55. Taylor Mays 
56. 2007 Jonathan Papelbon 
57. 1995 Albert Belle 
58. Reuben Foster 
59. Tony Brown 
60. 2010 Nick Fairley
61. That guy on the plane screaming “I wanna shake your hand”
62. Leonard Fournette (not against Alabama)
63. NdamuKong Suh 
64. Lawrence Taylor (on crack only)
65. Lavarr Arrington 
66. 1993 Shaquille O’Neal
67. Chad Baker-Mazara
68. 1986 Brian Bosworth 
69. Ray Lewis 
70. Kevin Faulk
71. 1998 Al Wilson
72. 8 Miller Lite Gronk
73. Katy Perry
74. Erk Russell
75. 1994 OJ Simpson
76. Goldberg (not the Mighty Ducks one)
77. 1999 Stone Cold Steve Austin 
78. 2010 Brian Cushing 
79. 2020 Bryson DeChambeau 
80. 2013 Vontaze Burfict 
81. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
82. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
83. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
84. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
85. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
86. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
87. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
88. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
89. White boys outside of Tigerland at 2 am
90. Shawn Merriman
91. Desmond Watson 
92. Scott Cochran 
93. 2003 DC Muschamp 
94. Ed Reed 
95. Jonathan Vilma
96. 2015 Nick Chubb 
97. Sean Taylor 
98. 2018 Orange Bowl Josh Jacobs 
99. Thomas Davis 
100. Bill Romanowski