Winning and Boozing: Championship Week

By Chris Marler

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Kids are jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer, and all that nonsense. I, however, am not telling you to be of good cheer. I’m telling you that for one last weekend I want you to pour 2-12 ounces of bad decisions in a glass and be an absolute menace.

It’s conference championship week.

And much like a company Christmas party with an open bar, I am praying for chaos. I want new teams in new conferences winning titles in their inaugural seasons. I want the Running Rebels of UNLV to crash the playoff party. I want HR violations all over the place in Atlanta from Georgia fans talking trash to those arrogant Longhorn fans.

Ladies and gents, let’s have a damn weekend!

UNLV at Boise State 

It’s hard to beat a team twice, and UNLV played Boise State closer than almost anyone earlier in the season. The Broncos ended up escaping Las Vegas with a five-point win. There’s a part of me that wants to pick UNLV because I love Barry Odom, and I think they have one of the best young offensive coordinators in the country. However, the game is in Boise.

It’s hard enough to win on the road. It’s even harder to leave the friendly confines of a state of the art billion-dollar dome-field advantage that UNLV usually plays in versus the frigid temps of the Pacific Northwest that happens to be the Broncos actual home field.

The Winning: Boise State 31, UNLV 30

The Boozing: Vodka Red Bull. This is the most perfect booze choice of the entire season. The game is being played in Boise, Idaho, so make sure it’s a potato-based vodka like Chopin. And nothing says “Las Vegas” like a Red Bull Vodka to get you over that 2:00 AM hump in Sin City. This game should be a lot of fun, and it’s the perfect pre-Saturday appetizer to get us going for the nine-game slate ahead.

Penn State vs. Oregon 

I said last April that the two teams who would benefit most in a 12-team playoff were going to be Penn State and Notre Dame. Those two programs have a ceiling and a floor of 10-11 wins every year. Shocker both are shoe-ins for the playoff.

This game feels very simple. Penn State is 1-16 all-time against Top 5 teams under James Franklin. You know the old saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me 16 times shame on James Franklin. Go Ducks.

The Winning: Oregon 23, Penn State 14

The Boozing: Egg Nog. I don’t want to hate on anyone’s holiday traditions, but egg nog is gross. Creamy dairy mixed with bourbon? What kind of “I’m a 17 year old at a house party who doesn’t understand alcohol so let’s just pour a bunch of sh*t together” stuff is that? It’s disgusting. And, much like fruitcake and that Hawaiian christmas song that I can’t spell because it has too many vowels in it, it’s overvalued and needs to not be a thing.

That’s also exactly how I feel about Penn State and any talk about them playing for potential titles.

Texas vs. Georgia

Let me be as clear and overly aggressive as possible. This isn’t the Big 12. Texas doesn’t run this conference. They’ve played two teams with a pulse all season. One was last week when they got a very impressive win over Texas A&M. The other one was back in October against a Georgia team everyone counted out and thought would get rolled over in DKR.

How’d that work out?

The road to the title in this conference doesn’t go through Austin. It goes through Athens. And it will be decided in Atlanta. Kirby Smart whooped Texas’s ass last time out, and that was when Carson Beck was at his worst. He’s playing his best football of the season right now.

The Winning: Georgia 24, Texas 16

The Boozing: Crown Royal Peach. Texas fans think they’re going to waltz into Georgia’s backyard and take their crown? That’s laughable. I don’t care about the other eight conference title games, and I don’t care about the other playoff berths that will be won on Saturday night. Everyone knows that since 1992 the winner of this game has been the king of college football until proven otherwise, and that hasn’t changed.

Welcome to The Peach State. Welcome to the SEC. It’s gonna be a long night for the Longhorns, and it will end with Kirby and the Dawgs wearing the crown again.