By Chris Marler
It’s officially the final month of the 2024 regular season, so let’s take some inventory of the teams seated at the bar and see who needs another round and who needs to be cut off.
Some of you are still drinking to celebrate (Georgia, Texas, and Vanderbilt), some are still drinking to forget (Kentucky and Mississippi State), and some are being mocked as the old guard laughs in disapproval saying, “I remember my first beer” and trip to Atlanta for the SEC Championship game.
Looking at you, Texas A&M.
Enjoy that first beer. You’ve earned it so far. But, please stop telling everyone at the bar that it isn’t your first beer, that you’ve always loved beer, or that you probably love beer even more than Texas loves beer. We’ve seen that garage fridge you call a trophy case, and there hasn’t been this kind of beer in there since 1939.
Now, let’s pop a top on Week 10 shall we?
Ole Miss at Arkansas
We’ll keep this one short and sweet. It seems this game is drunk almost every year. For whatever reason, Fayetteville is a house of horrors for Ole Miss over the last 20 years. Ole Miss is 1-8 in their last nine trips to Fayetteville with seven of the losses coming by double-digits.
The sample size is large enough to tell you exactly what not to do when betting this game, so you already know what I’m going to do.
The Winning: Ole Miss 33, Arkansas 27
The Boozing: Tequila. Or Fireball. Or both. Who cares? Why? It doesn’t matter how many times I get sick off of either of those two drinks. If someone puts one in front of me, the last thing I’m going to do is learn a lesson. The same can be said for picking Ole Miss here considering the history and numbers that should deter me from that bet. But, oh well.
Georgia vs Florida
Death, taxes, and Kirby Smart being a different level of psychopath against Florida. The domination that Georgia has had over the last seven years has been unbelievably impressive.
Georgia has won six of the last seven in the series by an average of 22.3 ppg. They have outscored the Gators 82-7 in the first quarter and 125-20 in the first half of those games. Kirby Smart is 15-1 with a bye week and he’s facing a true freshman quarterback. That never goes well for the person not wearing the visor and rocking the eight dollar haircut.
The Winning: UGA 34 Florida 13
The Boozing: Dark liquor in a red solo cup. Make sure it’s made without any ice or emotional stability. Dark liquor with a coke mixer because someone forgot to bring ice is a staple drink your first two years of college for a lot of SEC students. It wasn’t very tasty, but it got the job done. If you’ve ever been to this game in Jacksonville, the smell of that dark liquor hits you in the face as soon as you arrive.
Jacksonville for Georgia-Florida is like if New Orleans and Myrtle Beach spring break had a love child. It’s a three-day party with a three-hour football game sprinkled in the middle, followed by a three-week recovery for your head, liver, and voice. It’s awesome.
Kentucky vs Tennessee
Tennessee once again enters the last month of the season in control of their own destiny with a chance to make the College Football Playoff. Up first is their neighbor to the north, Kentucky, who has been one of the most disappointing teams in the country this season. This is a great opportunity for Tennessee. The Vols can get some things worked out on the offense, like first half scoring and better accuracy on deep balls from Nico Iamaleava.
This will be a glorified scrimmage for Tennessee as they are in absolutely zero danger of losing to this Kentucky team, especially at home.
The Winning: Tennessee 28 Kentucky 6
The Boozing: Evan Williams. Green label. After you promised you were bringing an $80 bottle of bourbon. Oh well. You’ll take it, and you’ll like it, Kentucky fans. Tennessee has bullied your program for 40 years straight now, so you should be used to it.
At this point, this isn’t even a little brother situation anymore like in some rivalries. It’s not even an annoying cousin.
It’s like a second grade class pet or goldfish that you’re obligated to take home for a weekend. It is completely insignificant to you and honestly, may already be dead after the last few weeks they’ve had. So enjoy this bottom shelf whiskey from the great state of Tennessee and don’t worry about chipping in for it. Y’all need to start saving your money now for that inevitable Mark Stoops buyout that’s coming.
Mississippi State vs Massachusetts
Mississippi State has not been very good in year one of the Jeff Lebby era. They are 1-7 on the season and their biggest wins have been multiple double-digit losses to good teams. But Massachusetts is somehow much, much worse. They haven’t had a winning season since 2010, and their most wins in a single season during that stretch is just four.
Massachusetts is 0-12 all-time against the SEC and are a combined 0-35 all-time against Power Four teams heading into this weekend.
The Winning: Mississippi State 38 Massachusetts 16
The Boozing: Twisted Tea. This makes so much more sense than I even realized. I don’t know when Twisted Tea became a thing. Alcohol in tea? Here in the south, the only thing we put in our tea is ice, lemon, and Type 2 diabetes. But, just like bandwagon Red Sox and Patriots fans after 2004, they are everywhere, and won’t seem to go away.
The same can be said for the UMass football team. Why are y’all playing so many games against the SEC this year? It can’t be for a morale boost. The Minuteman play Mississippi State this weekend, play at Georgia in mid November, and for some godforsaken reason hosted Missouri a few weeks back (which should have been a punishable offense from Greg Sankey).
Anyway, welcome to God’s country. Let us know if you need anything and tell your momma’and’em you’re in for a long day down here in Starkville.
