By Chris Marler
Don’t let anyone tell you this isn’t a great week of college football. Every week of college football is a great week of college football. But, this week is especially great. On the docket in the SEC is a top 12 matchup with playoff implications, cupcake and get right games against Group of 5 schools, and former rivals squaring off in games where the record means nothing, but beating Texas, beating Arkansas, and beating LSU or Florida means everything to a fanbase.
So pour a glass. Grab a seat. And let’s have a damn Saturday.
LSU at Florida
LSU and Florida meet for what is, hands down, one of the weirdest, strangest, and drunkest fights every year. This is a half left, half right, let’s pour some wine and only talk about politics at the Thanksgiving dinner kind of drunk fight.
The shoe game. The Goal Line stand. And, did I mention the freaking shoe game?!?! LSU has won six of the last seven games against Florida, but is also kind of reeling after a blowout loss a week ago. Here’s the thing about LSU-Florida, this line stinks from Vegas. LSU only being favored by four points is very odd, and it’s even more odd considering that is where the line opened when Florida quarterback DJ Lagway was still considered questionable.
LSU has struggled defensively at times this season with mobile quarterbacks, and Garrett Nussmeier has been very bad at protecting the football over the last month. I think that changes in Gainesville, and I think Whit Weeks returns to form against an immobile quarterback.
The Winning: LSU, 34-24
The Boozing: Jungle Juice. A f–k it bucket. Whatever you want to call it. Pour as much liquor as you can into a cooler or, hell, even a trash can. Fill it with ice, liquor, and a ton of sugary, fruity mixers. If you’re feeling fancy, dump some fresh fruit on top as a garnish for game day, and also a nice little snack the morning after. That thing will hit you with the hair of the dog and get you right back to the night before. Don’t ask how I know.
If the Everclear won’t make the pain go away, maybe a win over 4-6 Florida will? Just make sure to mix in a water at some point because more times than not, this turns into a sloppy drunk night. Just like more times than not, both of these teams have played very sloppy brands of football throughout this season. Who cares, though? Dunk that solo cup back in the trash can or cooler and fill it up again.
What? You expected a ladle? This is Florida. Ain’t no health codes in Florida.
Missouri at South Carolina
Missouri and South Carolina meet in what is an elimination game for the College Football Playoff. No, seriously. Two teams that have been very good at times this season. South Carolina has won three games in a row, but has lost five straight to Missouri. Both these teams have great defenses and what appears on paper to be good offenses.
Missouri’s defense is much better than people give it credit for and even with inept quarterback play, they should keep this game close. This is a huge game for South Carolina to keep momentum rolling not just for the end of the season, but for the offseason as well.
The Winning: South Carolina, 20-14
The Boozing: Frank Family Chardonnay. Two programs desperately trying to be taken seriously were both metaphorically shoved in a locker by the network execs at ABC and ESPN. This is a ranked matchup that technically has playoff implications attached to it. Yet, somehow got the 4:15 ET SEC Network time slot.
I just picture these fanbases looking at the networks pleading their case at relevancy in the same way a white wine connoisseur would at an SEC tailgate while it fell on deaf ears and got mocked relentlessly.
“But we are both ranked!”
“It has a beautiful buttery, oaky finish!”
“We could still make the playoff!”
“It scored a 94 at the Aspen Wine Fest!”
No one cares. Pass me a room temp Busch Lite and turn on Florida-LSU.
Texas at Arkansas
Texas has played nobody this season. They have the 55th ranked strength of schedule in the country which is dead last in the SEC. Their best win is a three-point win over Vanderbilt. The one time they’ve had to play an actual contending team, they got whipped by Georgia. At home.
I don’t think this Texas team is that good. I’m not saying that I think Texas is bad, or that they can’t get it going as they head into the postseason to potentially make a run. What I am saying is that in a season of chaos in college football, one of the consistent themes this year nationwide–besides chaos–is the teams who have played an unproven schedule seem to get beat when they finally play a good team.
Arkansas is coming off bye, and the Hogs are 4-1-1 against the spread under Sam Pittman with an extra week of rest. Arkansas shocks the world on Saturday and beats Texas for the sixth time in their last eight games against each other.
The Winning: Arkansas 24-23
The Boozing: Lone Star. Let’s get on a soap box and make some enemies. Shiner Bock is great. Lone Star sucks. Just like this Texas team is a facade of something great, Lone Star is just Texas PBR. Period.
