It’s time. The return of college football means something to everyone. For me, it means the return of Winning and Boozing.
If you’re new here, welcome. This is Year 13 of my favorite weekly tradition. Each week, we’ll pick the games, break down the matchups, predict the scores and, most importantly, tell you what you should be drinking at each tailgate.
Cheers to a new season. Let’s get to it.
Alabama vs East Carolina
My mother is a pastor, and every time something horrific happens on the news she says, “Every day we drift further from God.”
Dramatic as it may be, that’s how a lot of Alabama fans feel the more they watch these Kalen DeBoer offenses, especially in the run game. Alabama couldn’t have drifted any further from God, or the foundation of toughness Nick Saban built, than it did last December when the Tide rushed for minus-3 yards against Georgia in the SEC Championship Game.
Everyone is excited to see new quarterback Keelon Russell make his debut. However, everyone will be watching the run game more closely than Russell’s passing numbers. That could be a challenge with two of Alabama’s top three running backs sidelined by injuries.
The Winning
Alabama 42, East Carolina 13
The Boozing
Espresso martinis.
Instead of using a full ounce of coffee liqueur, use a half ounce of Kahlua and a half ounce of Ex-Lax. I know, I know, it’s gross. But, it will provide basically the same froth, and is an integral part of Alabama’s gameday needs.
This is an early kick for the Tide at 11 a.m. local time, so the espresso martini is perfect to get it going early in the morning.
The mixture of espresso beans, coffee flavored liqueur and Ex-Lax should be enough to get the run(s) game going and get back to regular. That is something Alabama fans would desperately welcome.
Auburn vs Baylor
The closer we get to this game the more I feel like we may be sleeping a little on Baylor covering the spread.
The Alex Golesh era should get off to a good start, but the hook that sportsbooks attached to the touchdown-favorite point spread is a little concerning.
DJ Lagway returns against an SEC defense, and that is not a place where he’s thrived in the past.
Auburn’s offense has gotten most of the attention this offseason which makes sense considering Golesh’s the track record with a familiar face at quarterback, Byrum Brown.
However, retaining DJ Durkin as the defensive coordinator was one of the best moves any coach made this entire offseason. The Auburn front-seven is very young but also very underrated.
The biggest question for Auburn is whether or not its revamped offensive line full of a group of six transfers will hold up against SEC defensive lines. Luckily, they don’t have one of those in Week 1.
The Winning
Auburn 33, Baylor 24
The Boozing
Suncruisers or High Noons, but specifically with Pearl Vodka.
If there’s anything I know about these two fanbases, it’s that they’re full of Baptists. And if there’s anything I know about Baptists, it’s that the only thing deeper than their pockets for the offering plate is their commitment to keeping up appearances.
A good Baptist would never openly drink liquor at a tailgate like the heathens in Tuscaloosa or at a non-denominational mega church. Could you imagine?
Grab a Sun Cruiser or High Noon. Sure, there’s still liquor in it, but it comes in a cute, trendy can, so it’s tasteful and, more importantly discreet.
Also, make sure the vodka is Pearl because, if there’s anything I know about Auburn fans, it’s that they love clutching their pearls while whistling past the graveyard.
Ole Miss vs Louisville
Louisville has become a trendy pick among national analysts, not only to upset Ole Miss, but potentially crash the College Football Playoff party in December.
There are weapons on offense for the Cardinals and head coach Jeff Brohm. Sure, the quarterback position is a question mark with Lincoln Kienholz having thrown just 36 pass attempts in three combined seasons at Ohio State. But, running back Isaac Brown is elite and can give Ole Miss problems.
I don’t think that will be the case in this one, though.
Ole Miss has to replace five of its top six pass catchers, but that just means it’s time for new faces to emerge as the top targets for Trinidad Chambliss, who is the best quarterback in America.
This should be a good one.
The Winning
Ole Miss 31, Louisville 20
The Boozing
Mint Julep, but make sure it’s in a red Solo Cup.
The only acceptable booze at this tailgate is bourbon. Period.
Why not get the best of both worlds and combine what each place does best? People say folks from Mississippi and Kentucky have no culture, but those people don’t know anything about horse racing and chandeliers at tailgates.
Mint juleps are objectively terrible tasting, but much like everything that happens each Saturday in The Grove, this drink is for show more than functionality.
LSU vs Clemson
“A Chrysler 300 looks like a Phantom until a Phantom pulls up.” – Katt Williams
That’s exactly what I think when I think of these two schools and programs.
One Death Valley holds 102,000 people and is the most feared building (besides a court room) in all of college football. The other Death Valley in Clemson, S.C. holds 20,000 less fans that rush the field after FCS wins.
One tiger mascot looks normal. The other looks like he’s on bath salts and hasn’t slept for four days.
These two programs are not the same, and on Saturday night for the third time in seven years, LSU is going to remind everyone why.
The Winning
LSU 31 Clemson 13
The Boozing
Bottle Service.
I don’t care what liquor it is, just strap some damn sparklers to it, and let’s ride because Lane Kiffin and this $40 million roster are about to put on a show Saturday night.
It’s a celebration. It’s also a culmination of one of the most chaotic offseasons I’ve ever witnessed. Saturday night in Tiger Stadium is going to be a movie, as the kids say.
There are more than 900 credentials that have been issued for Lane Kiffin’s first game at LSU. There were rumors that Boosie may walk out of the tunnel with the team. Defensive coordinator Blake Baker jokingly said on Thursday that Kiffin will pay the fine for the band to play “Neck” this year.
Saturday night the eyes of the college football and sports world will be on Baton Rouge, La., and there ain’t no party like a party in The Boot.
